Great one, Jon. My wife and I talk about how we would live with kids and how we would raise them all the time. Why we might love to have them, and ultimately, why we don't have them. (It's a narrow margin that has kept winning out!) And just recently, at a coffee shop after morning tennis, how we might lose this, and also how we might lose ourselves in other ways. I told her that we would not. We would just have to recalibrate all our habits and routines in a way that gives us the room for ourselves. And she does know it's true when I come back with this stuff. She has also said over the years that she would be afraid that she would be a crazy, Korean tiger mom, getting angry with them, etc. I always assure that she wouldn't. And anyway, I wouldn't let her. Haha
But while it would be true that we might not play tennis any morning we like, we would still do it, and we would still have coffee. Only our kid(s) would be there. And we would talk to them, share it with them, show them how to be when out, how to pay attention to things, etc. And that would be a different delight than how we currently do it. Everything would be a different kind of delight than how we currently do it.
But I always insist that we would never give ourselves up for our kids. (I mean, ultimately, I would give up anything for them, but I mean our SELVES, in the way you were writing about.) In fact, that is what we can't give up, because the most fundamental way we teach them is to model good behavior, a good life. I wouldn't allow myself to be a frazzled, flustered dad who didn't take care of his health, grooming, work, home, etc. And neither would my wife.
I also always add that of course I don't mean we would be perfect and always right on point. There would be scrambling, periods of burnout, etc. This is true just managing the two of us! But we always gather ourselves and get back on track, usually a new and higher track (this is the jagged upward graph of progress). And the ruts are shorter and shorter as we get wiser. I'm sure it would be the same with kids. Just different.
We have (half) joked for years that we ought to have kids just to show people how we would do it! To answer the, "Oh, you don't know. You don't KNOW." But I do know I would never compromise my very life. It's the one thing I need to maintain to show my son or daughter. But that window has all but finally closed at our age.
You guys are doing great, Jon, just be being good people. Good luck with it. And enjoy!
Thought provoking article. I don't have a child. Always wanted one. I've been a teacher and a mentor and a leader. I can relate a little bit to the feeling of seeing someone whom you have nurtured, as they come into their own. It's a great feeling. But when they're not your actual kid, that feeling fades. I also appreciated how you tried to relate the feeling of nurturing a child to nurturing a project. I see that. It's not the same, but it has similarities. Compound interest works best when the relationship is maintained. That's probably why the parent-child relationship, (and perhaps the relationships of lovers,) is richer than any others.
Raising a kid is sui generis; there’s nothing like it. But I didn’t grow up with lots of younger nieces and nephews or the like, so I don’t know how it compares to helping to raise other people‘s kids.
As unique as it is, though, I think the analogy to other sorts of projects holds. Especially long-term projects where gratification is delayed.
I like the idea of compound interest in a parent–child relationship. I hadn’t really thought about that. Thanks!
Yeah, it's Gavin. I forgot that my comment would show with that moniker. I'm very active online so I used that pseudonym to make my page stand apart from all the other things I do. Also, it was originally given to me as a criticism, so it amuses me to own it.
"Skeen, why you always gotta give your two cents? You always butt in on everybody's conversation. You gotta comment on everything. Why you do that? From now on Imma call you 2Cent Skeen."
I think the concept of compound interest in the parent-child relationship, (and to a lesser extent the mentor-mentee or teacher-student relationships,) follow directly from what you wrote. However, I hadn't really connected the ideas until I read your article.
Raising a child seems to be the most challenging, and potentially the most rewarding thing that a person could do with their life. I think about all the time and energy, money and other resources that my mother has invested in our relationship. Then I think of how she rises and falls with her interest in my life with all its ups and downs. My life has been very complicated recently, and I see how affected she is by the stress I am carrying. I also see how our relationship has grown deeper and deeper over time. I have had glimpses of that in the process of mentoring others, but I have never experienced the tension, the heartache or the reward of raising a child. I can only imagine.
Great one, Jon. My wife and I talk about how we would live with kids and how we would raise them all the time. Why we might love to have them, and ultimately, why we don't have them. (It's a narrow margin that has kept winning out!) And just recently, at a coffee shop after morning tennis, how we might lose this, and also how we might lose ourselves in other ways. I told her that we would not. We would just have to recalibrate all our habits and routines in a way that gives us the room for ourselves. And she does know it's true when I come back with this stuff. She has also said over the years that she would be afraid that she would be a crazy, Korean tiger mom, getting angry with them, etc. I always assure that she wouldn't. And anyway, I wouldn't let her. Haha
But while it would be true that we might not play tennis any morning we like, we would still do it, and we would still have coffee. Only our kid(s) would be there. And we would talk to them, share it with them, show them how to be when out, how to pay attention to things, etc. And that would be a different delight than how we currently do it. Everything would be a different kind of delight than how we currently do it.
But I always insist that we would never give ourselves up for our kids. (I mean, ultimately, I would give up anything for them, but I mean our SELVES, in the way you were writing about.) In fact, that is what we can't give up, because the most fundamental way we teach them is to model good behavior, a good life. I wouldn't allow myself to be a frazzled, flustered dad who didn't take care of his health, grooming, work, home, etc. And neither would my wife.
I also always add that of course I don't mean we would be perfect and always right on point. There would be scrambling, periods of burnout, etc. This is true just managing the two of us! But we always gather ourselves and get back on track, usually a new and higher track (this is the jagged upward graph of progress). And the ruts are shorter and shorter as we get wiser. I'm sure it would be the same with kids. Just different.
We have (half) joked for years that we ought to have kids just to show people how we would do it! To answer the, "Oh, you don't know. You don't KNOW." But I do know I would never compromise my very life. It's the one thing I need to maintain to show my son or daughter. But that window has all but finally closed at our age.
You guys are doing great, Jon, just be being good people. Good luck with it. And enjoy!
Thought provoking article. I don't have a child. Always wanted one. I've been a teacher and a mentor and a leader. I can relate a little bit to the feeling of seeing someone whom you have nurtured, as they come into their own. It's a great feeling. But when they're not your actual kid, that feeling fades. I also appreciated how you tried to relate the feeling of nurturing a child to nurturing a project. I see that. It's not the same, but it has similarities. Compound interest works best when the relationship is maintained. That's probably why the parent-child relationship, (and perhaps the relationships of lovers,) is richer than any others.
Thanks Gavin (it is Gavin, right?)
Raising a kid is sui generis; there’s nothing like it. But I didn’t grow up with lots of younger nieces and nephews or the like, so I don’t know how it compares to helping to raise other people‘s kids.
As unique as it is, though, I think the analogy to other sorts of projects holds. Especially long-term projects where gratification is delayed.
I like the idea of compound interest in a parent–child relationship. I hadn’t really thought about that. Thanks!
Yeah, it's Gavin. I forgot that my comment would show with that moniker. I'm very active online so I used that pseudonym to make my page stand apart from all the other things I do. Also, it was originally given to me as a criticism, so it amuses me to own it.
"Skeen, why you always gotta give your two cents? You always butt in on everybody's conversation. You gotta comment on everything. Why you do that? From now on Imma call you 2Cent Skeen."
I think the concept of compound interest in the parent-child relationship, (and to a lesser extent the mentor-mentee or teacher-student relationships,) follow directly from what you wrote. However, I hadn't really connected the ideas until I read your article.
Raising a child seems to be the most challenging, and potentially the most rewarding thing that a person could do with their life. I think about all the time and energy, money and other resources that my mother has invested in our relationship. Then I think of how she rises and falls with her interest in my life with all its ups and downs. My life has been very complicated recently, and I see how affected she is by the stress I am carrying. I also see how our relationship has grown deeper and deeper over time. I have had glimpses of that in the process of mentoring others, but I have never experienced the tension, the heartache or the reward of raising a child. I can only imagine.